Why can’t I…

Why can't I keep up with things I want to do…. why do I have to stop and come up with excuses for not doing it….I don't know…

 Why do I end up regretting not doing something before….

Weekend Sadness

When I got here in Cebu, weekend is something I always look forward to. That is because it's a time for me and the people I brought from Manila to bond and at the same time enjoy the place. During those times, it's like every weekend is a vacation time. We go to places we haven't been to….but ever since they found new friends already here (which happens to be their agents), they go out without me anymore on a weekend. Then everything changed, we seldom go out. We seldom spend time anymore, unless they'd go to my station in the office we wouldn't be chatting anymore. Things have changed already….and I think I have to accept that.

Today I was suppose to go out with them but I changed my mind after waiting for an hour or so. I guess my excitement died down again after waiting which happens most of the time. They will tell me we'll go somewhere which I look forward to then they will have me waiting for hours and hours…and keep me wondering whether we will still push thru or not. It's as if they do not think that I might be waiting for them. It's easy for them to decide on their time because they all live together. Sometimes if I won't ask if we're pushing thru or not, then that's the only time I would know we will still push thru. Or sometimes, they will keep me wondering then after some time they will inform me that it's not pushing thru anymore. Today I was suppose to go to church at 10am but since they asked me to join them at 11, I didn't attend church anymore as I thought it's our time again to bond because we have not been going out that often. Then all of a sudden I was told we're not pushing thru at 11am but 1pm because of some reasons. That was ok with me then it was almost 2pm still I haven't heard from them whether we're pushing thru or not so I texted them only to receive a response after 30mins that we are pushing thru. My point is, if I knew that we are going late I should have attended church instead and just follow. It doesn't feel good to move ur things to do then wait for nothing. So I decided not to join them anymore. Then I realized that moving forward I shouldn't be that eager anymore joining them from now on. They have their own lives. They have their own friends. They have their own time.

It's not that I don't want to be with them anymore but I'll just let them be. If they invite me to go somewhere, then I'd go but I always keep in my mind that things might change and I'll end up staying at home again and screwing my previous plans.

My bestfriend here, she also doesn't have time. She's busy most of the time. So I am alone during weekend. I can't even watch movies on theatre because I can't watch it alone. I don't have friends here yet though I'm trying to find some hobbies outside so I can make new friends but I am not successful yet. I have some friends in the office but they have family already. Their weekend is devoted to their family and I shouldn't take that away.

Sometimes I wish after Friday, it's Monday already so I can keep myself busy in the office. So I would not think of what to do the whole day. So I would not think that I am sad.  Sometimes I wish I am home in Manila on a weekend so I am with my family and with my friends.

I am getting really sad.  

Table for One

After going to church today I decided to eat alone at Oh George…..this is again the first time I ate alone after a month because I usually asks some friends to join me eat out.

When I entered the restaurant, I wasn't thinking I am really alone just like before because I used to eat out alone…then a woman went inside and I heard the waitress at the back asked her "table for one, ma'am?"….then I saw the woman, she's healthy just like me and probably around my age. She sat across where I was seated. It somehow dawned on me that she's like me, eating alone. Then I ask myself, is she alone because she doesn't have a lovelife? Is she alone because her husband and kids are at home and it happens that she bought something and got hungry? A lot of questions entered my mind…but what bothers me was I kept thinking of the word "table for one"…..

Now, I realize I am still alone. Still doing the thing I have been doing alone in the past years. I don't know but I felt something inside me that tells me I don't feel good. I feel that I have missed a lot of things in life…. Until when will I be hearing and feeling "table for one?"

 No one can tell….but in the ONE above can only tell.

Friendship At Work

Last week wasn't a good week for me. I was surprised by a person who I was expecting the last person to not understand why work should be separated from friendship.

I was really amazed by how this officemate of mine treated a certain situation where I have given her a feedback regarding a situation which some people didn't like the way she handled. After that feedback I have given her, she started to give me a cold shoulder. She rarely joins our lunch, rarely texts me but when she texts you'll know that something changed because she wasn't like that before. Then when an email exchange situation came up where we both didn't understand and agree with each other, I was able to validate what I have been observing.

Interesting that a person like her, with that position in the corporate world would expect a co-employee to set aside work ethics and think of friendship. As I humble myself going to her office to settle some misunderstandings and make sure that we bring back what we used to be. When I went to her office, I tried to feel light. I tried to erase any negative thoughts or feelings so that I can create an atmosphere that we can be comfortable talking about what had happened. At the beginning of the discussion, I noticed that her voice was kind of raising and she was very stiff. I asked if she's mad or something then I got my answer "Do you expect me to smile at you? Don't expect me to be all smiling at you when I thought this issue has been resolved already and here you are still want to discuss this!" It took a while for me to gather my thoughts and respond to her. Then I replied that I thought we can discuss the matter in a light way where in no one would have to get mad. Then I realized that she doesn't want it, then I became serious as well in our discussion. I set aside that goal of making sure we will end the conversation friends still.

 As we move along our conversation, I never thought I would hear the words she was blurting out. My expectation of that kind of position crumbled as she was the one representing it. I don't understand that a person in that position do not agree that using capital letters in her email connotes something negative such as shouting or being mad based on email etiquette. She has  a different view of it.

 Then the final realization came about when we were discussing my observation of her change when I gave her a feedback. She said that it was just my perception that she was giving me a cold shoulder and she was just busy with a lot of things but at the latter part of the conversation, she admitted that she felt bad because she thought I was a friend to her. She was feeling bad because I didn't involve her in my meeting with my agents who mentioned to me that they felt bad about what she told them. She felt bad because I didn't think of calling her upstairs and face my agents and defend herself. She felt bad that I didn't call her right away on the phone to give her the feedback and I waited the following shift to start. She felt bad because since we're very close, she thought I am going to handle that in such a friendship way. Based on my work ethics, as much as possible, I avoid confrontation especially if I know the consequence. If I called her and faced the agents, they will never open up to me again. If she faced her, definitely, the agents will be intimidated and will no longer talk. Besides, it is my meeting, it is my judgment whether to bring her there or not. I didn't want to call her on the phone after the meeting because I was thinking of timing. I always believe that part of being a good leader, you have to know how to organize your thoughts, package your words in a nice way and consider timing. I planned to talk to her about it the following shift as I know, I would have thought of organizing thngs in my mind already to ensure that I am objective in my feedback. But behold! She took it the wrong way. She said that as a friend, I should have done what she expected me to do. In short, she wanted me to not think of my work principle but rather think of her as my friend and I am doing that as a favor to her.

 I was really speechless when I heard those words! Astounded that I heard that from a person who should be objectively handling employee issues. She is very emotional! Then when I asked her about being cold to me at first she said it isn't true and I am just so sensitive and it's just my perception, but later on the discussion she admitted that she's trying to put some distance between us because she felt bad on how I handled that office related situation and she didn't want any interaction with me that might irritate her or annoy her or me. Then she's lying! She even said that she's in a healing process…Jeez!!! Healing process, it's not as if I did something to her personally but it was work related and I had to do what I had to do based on my responsibility.

I wanted to cry where I was seated and ask her, "do you really know the responsibility of your position?" "do you really understand that your position should be objective all the time?" "do you really know that doing what you wanted me to do would have consequences in an office framework and would drive me away from my work principle?" I ended the conversation making sure that I tell her I understand her better as a person. That I am willing to accept and understand her and I am going to stay away from her if that is the kind of friendship she wants. I will not be able to work with people like that.

Now I wonder we have a leadership training that's going to happen soon, how is she going to conduct a leadership training if her views are like that. How is she going to coach people on how to be a better leader if she didn't show that true meaning handling our situation?

 I'm afraid she lost her credibility. I have lost my confidence in her. If she isn't going to accept that the culture in the industry she's working with right now is totally different from the culture of work she came from, I don't think she will ever get my respect again.

 This really makes me sad. I lost a friend in her, I don't trust her in that position anymore.  

Who will you choose?

Earlier I went out with my best friend in the office, we went to Ayala to buy some stuff for the company outing tomorrow. We decided before we go around we'll have to put some food into our stomach…we were both starving!

While we wait for our food at Oh George!, we talked about her lovelife over a cup of carrot soup (which is by the way, delicious!). She has been in a relationship with his 7year boyfriend and last year I remember she said she feels he's not yet the man she's going to marry. At first I thought she just wanted to teach the guy how to be alone and not be dependent on her so much as it's as if his life is revolving around her. He doesn't go out that much with his friends and it's really her girlfriend that became his life. A month ago she told me she broke up with him already and the guy doesn't want it. I couldn't blame her. She doesn't feel anything anymore towards the guy and it was when his mom died that she confirmed she no longer lover her but feels pity only. As we went on with our discussion, a question popped into our minds which is a very familiar question "who will you choose, the one who love you or the one you love?" Then we both stopped and thought thru it and smiled by saying…it's complicated.  The guy is planning to go come over here next month and I thought what if he asks her to marry him. My friend said "Jen, wag naman sana. I don't know."

Yeah, if you are given a choice today, are you going to stay with the one who loves you or the one you love? My answer right now is the one who loves me. This is because I want to make sure that I will end up with someone who will take care of me because he loves me. It is better to think that I know I am safe, that I am the only one for him. But in the future, my answer might change. Who knows?

Just Another Sunday

Today's a typical day for me, though I missed church this morning. I woke up at 12:30 in the afternoon as I was awake til 5am watching my favorite DVD movie Sex and the City for the nth time. I don't know, I just find it comforting watching 4 girls who can talk about almost anything and I admire their friendship. I like the way they treat each other, their fights and their love for one another. I have friends like that but majority probably not as bold as them yet. But I don't mind. Friendship has its own form. The important thing is, the love, caring, understanding and honesty is there. Regardless how many times you've argued and made each other mad, at the end of the day you're still best of friends. I miss my friends in Manila….

Anyway, when I woke up I decided to eat fruits thinking that it would make me healthy, then went out and spent the late afternoon inside a mall. I checked out if the slippers I wanted to buy last month was still there which was lucky me still there but at the same time unlucky me, there's none for my size. Hmp! Then I checked out Friendster if there's some messages from my friends coz I can't open it in the office. Then, I spent half an hour reading and sending messages. Geez! Look at what technology can do. Wherever your friends are, you can still get in touch with them.

Now, I'm here in the office….yes, on a Sunday! We were told to be here because there are a couple of visitors who want to see our site thus we have to be here but this wouldn't last more than 4 hours (I hope!). After this, I might go somewhere else, I don't want to go home yet as I might feel lonely again.

Few more days

It's Thursday morning and a few more days I'll be heading back to Cebu and end my vacation. How time flies so fast that I remember I just got here in Manila same day last week.

I miss Cebu now. I miss the less traffic, less polution city. Though I am not from there and originally from here, I've learned to love the city. People are different, I'd say nicer. Sorry to the Manilenos and Manilenas (including me) but I find very few "pintasero at pintasera" in Cebu. You know those stare when you enter a five star hotel and you're just wearing maong, t-shirt, sandals and you're not a foreigner? The stare of the sales representative inside those branded shoes and bags? You know the stare of the people around you when your cellphone is still 3310 and everyone else is holding cellphones with camera and bluetooth? Very rare that I've experience that in Cebu. You can go around places without worrying what other people will think of the way you dress yourself or the gadget you're carrying. At least based on my experience. I have a lot of good things to say about that city and the people but of course nothing can be compared to being here with my family and friends. Though I have friends in Cebu already, mostly officemates, it is still different when I am with my highschool friends, college friends, officemates here in Manila. I'm just enjoying my stay in Cebu and give it a few months, I'll learn how to speak their dialect. I think I have the accent already. :p Who knows, I might stay there for good.

I welcome me

This is the second blog I created for the day as I was not satisfied with the first one I made early this morning. Finally, I have my own page! I have this journal online which was suggested by one of my college friends, Cel.  

Honestly? I don't know what to write here…but probably my journeys in life. This should take me away from that loneliness I feel sometimes when I am alone.