Weekend Sadness

When I got here in Cebu, weekend is something I always look forward to. That is because it's a time for me and the people I brought from Manila to bond and at the same time enjoy the place. During those times, it's like every weekend is a vacation time. We go to places we haven't been to….but ever since they found new friends already here (which happens to be their agents), they go out without me anymore on a weekend. Then everything changed, we seldom go out. We seldom spend time anymore, unless they'd go to my station in the office we wouldn't be chatting anymore. Things have changed already….and I think I have to accept that.

Today I was suppose to go out with them but I changed my mind after waiting for an hour or so. I guess my excitement died down again after waiting which happens most of the time. They will tell me we'll go somewhere which I look forward to then they will have me waiting for hours and hours…and keep me wondering whether we will still push thru or not. It's as if they do not think that I might be waiting for them. It's easy for them to decide on their time because they all live together. Sometimes if I won't ask if we're pushing thru or not, then that's the only time I would know we will still push thru. Or sometimes, they will keep me wondering then after some time they will inform me that it's not pushing thru anymore. Today I was suppose to go to church at 10am but since they asked me to join them at 11, I didn't attend church anymore as I thought it's our time again to bond because we have not been going out that often. Then all of a sudden I was told we're not pushing thru at 11am but 1pm because of some reasons. That was ok with me then it was almost 2pm still I haven't heard from them whether we're pushing thru or not so I texted them only to receive a response after 30mins that we are pushing thru. My point is, if I knew that we are going late I should have attended church instead and just follow. It doesn't feel good to move ur things to do then wait for nothing. So I decided not to join them anymore. Then I realized that moving forward I shouldn't be that eager anymore joining them from now on. They have their own lives. They have their own friends. They have their own time.

It's not that I don't want to be with them anymore but I'll just let them be. If they invite me to go somewhere, then I'd go but I always keep in my mind that things might change and I'll end up staying at home again and screwing my previous plans.

My bestfriend here, she also doesn't have time. She's busy most of the time. So I am alone during weekend. I can't even watch movies on theatre because I can't watch it alone. I don't have friends here yet though I'm trying to find some hobbies outside so I can make new friends but I am not successful yet. I have some friends in the office but they have family already. Their weekend is devoted to their family and I shouldn't take that away.

Sometimes I wish after Friday, it's Monday already so I can keep myself busy in the office. So I would not think of what to do the whole day. So I would not think that I am sad.  Sometimes I wish I am home in Manila on a weekend so I am with my family and with my friends.

I am getting really sad.  

Table for One

After going to church today I decided to eat alone at Oh George…..this is again the first time I ate alone after a month because I usually asks some friends to join me eat out.

When I entered the restaurant, I wasn't thinking I am really alone just like before because I used to eat out alone…then a woman went inside and I heard the waitress at the back asked her "table for one, ma'am?"….then I saw the woman, she's healthy just like me and probably around my age. She sat across where I was seated. It somehow dawned on me that she's like me, eating alone. Then I ask myself, is she alone because she doesn't have a lovelife? Is she alone because her husband and kids are at home and it happens that she bought something and got hungry? A lot of questions entered my mind…but what bothers me was I kept thinking of the word "table for one"…..

Now, I realize I am still alone. Still doing the thing I have been doing alone in the past years. I don't know but I felt something inside me that tells me I don't feel good. I feel that I have missed a lot of things in life…. Until when will I be hearing and feeling "table for one?"

 No one can tell….but in the ONE above can only tell.