Friendship At Work

Last week wasn't a good week for me. I was surprised by a person who I was expecting the last person to not understand why work should be separated from friendship.

I was really amazed by how this officemate of mine treated a certain situation where I have given her a feedback regarding a situation which some people didn't like the way she handled. After that feedback I have given her, she started to give me a cold shoulder. She rarely joins our lunch, rarely texts me but when she texts you'll know that something changed because she wasn't like that before. Then when an email exchange situation came up where we both didn't understand and agree with each other, I was able to validate what I have been observing.

Interesting that a person like her, with that position in the corporate world would expect a co-employee to set aside work ethics and think of friendship. As I humble myself going to her office to settle some misunderstandings and make sure that we bring back what we used to be. When I went to her office, I tried to feel light. I tried to erase any negative thoughts or feelings so that I can create an atmosphere that we can be comfortable talking about what had happened. At the beginning of the discussion, I noticed that her voice was kind of raising and she was very stiff. I asked if she's mad or something then I got my answer "Do you expect me to smile at you? Don't expect me to be all smiling at you when I thought this issue has been resolved already and here you are still want to discuss this!" It took a while for me to gather my thoughts and respond to her. Then I replied that I thought we can discuss the matter in a light way where in no one would have to get mad. Then I realized that she doesn't want it, then I became serious as well in our discussion. I set aside that goal of making sure we will end the conversation friends still.

 As we move along our conversation, I never thought I would hear the words she was blurting out. My expectation of that kind of position crumbled as she was the one representing it. I don't understand that a person in that position do not agree that using capital letters in her email connotes something negative such as shouting or being mad based on email etiquette. She has  a different view of it.

 Then the final realization came about when we were discussing my observation of her change when I gave her a feedback. She said that it was just my perception that she was giving me a cold shoulder and she was just busy with a lot of things but at the latter part of the conversation, she admitted that she felt bad because she thought I was a friend to her. She was feeling bad because I didn't involve her in my meeting with my agents who mentioned to me that they felt bad about what she told them. She felt bad because I didn't think of calling her upstairs and face my agents and defend herself. She felt bad that I didn't call her right away on the phone to give her the feedback and I waited the following shift to start. She felt bad because since we're very close, she thought I am going to handle that in such a friendship way. Based on my work ethics, as much as possible, I avoid confrontation especially if I know the consequence. If I called her and faced the agents, they will never open up to me again. If she faced her, definitely, the agents will be intimidated and will no longer talk. Besides, it is my meeting, it is my judgment whether to bring her there or not. I didn't want to call her on the phone after the meeting because I was thinking of timing. I always believe that part of being a good leader, you have to know how to organize your thoughts, package your words in a nice way and consider timing. I planned to talk to her about it the following shift as I know, I would have thought of organizing thngs in my mind already to ensure that I am objective in my feedback. But behold! She took it the wrong way. She said that as a friend, I should have done what she expected me to do. In short, she wanted me to not think of my work principle but rather think of her as my friend and I am doing that as a favor to her.

 I was really speechless when I heard those words! Astounded that I heard that from a person who should be objectively handling employee issues. She is very emotional! Then when I asked her about being cold to me at first she said it isn't true and I am just so sensitive and it's just my perception, but later on the discussion she admitted that she's trying to put some distance between us because she felt bad on how I handled that office related situation and she didn't want any interaction with me that might irritate her or annoy her or me. Then she's lying! She even said that she's in a healing process…Jeez!!! Healing process, it's not as if I did something to her personally but it was work related and I had to do what I had to do based on my responsibility.

I wanted to cry where I was seated and ask her, "do you really know the responsibility of your position?" "do you really understand that your position should be objective all the time?" "do you really know that doing what you wanted me to do would have consequences in an office framework and would drive me away from my work principle?" I ended the conversation making sure that I tell her I understand her better as a person. That I am willing to accept and understand her and I am going to stay away from her if that is the kind of friendship she wants. I will not be able to work with people like that.

Now I wonder we have a leadership training that's going to happen soon, how is she going to conduct a leadership training if her views are like that. How is she going to coach people on how to be a better leader if she didn't show that true meaning handling our situation?

 I'm afraid she lost her credibility. I have lost my confidence in her. If she isn't going to accept that the culture in the industry she's working with right now is totally different from the culture of work she came from, I don't think she will ever get my respect again.

 This really makes me sad. I lost a friend in her, I don't trust her in that position anymore.